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John should have gotten in touch with Dutch sooner and he knows it, but looking for Finch had taken priority and then, once he'd finally accepted the reality of what had happened, taking some time to get control of himself had seemed more important. No one needs to deal with him when he's falling apart. Things aren't pretty when John Reese is falling apart.

He's not drinking, though, which is a step in the right direction. If not for Karen, he suspects he would be. He would have gone straight to Dutch, asked her to look after Bear for a little while, and then done his best to disappear into Darrow like he'd disappeared into New York. Eventually she might have come looking for him, but by that point he would have been dead. Drinking himself to death wasn't the fastest way to go about doing it, but he knows better ways now. Ways that would ensure it ended easily.

Finch would have hated that. He would have hated even the thought and so John reminds himself his life is different now. Finch gave him that life, gave him something to fight for and gave him a purpose. To squander that now would be an offence to their friendship and so he pulls himself together with Karen's help and then goes to meet with Dutch.

Bear won't leave his side, but John doesn't try to make him. He's taken a week off work, no one at the precinct has complained because they've all lost people, they've all found themselves suddenly wondering where their friends have gone, and if John needs time off, they'll give it to him. He looks better than he had when he'd finally gone to Karen, he's wearing clean clothes and he's shaved, but there's still something haunted in his eyes.

He was never supposed to do any of this without Finch.

They all live in the same building, but he asks Dutch to meet him at the park all the same. He's been there a lot lately, spending time watching the men and women play chess, thinking Finch should have been there with them. Bear whines softly by his side and John turns away, wandering down the path toward the place where he had asked Dutch to meet him.

It's easier for him to talk here. Samaritan may not be in Darrow, but old habits die hard and a crowd makes it more difficult for someone to listen in on what they're saying. And there's plenty for him to say.

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A call from John isn't all that unusual but Dutch is a naturally cautious person so she's on alert and hyper aware when she joins John in the park. She's armed, as always, but the weapons are carefully hidden John can handle himself and she trusts that he's not calling her into some ambush but after Khylen and then then box showing up in Darrow, she has to be ready.

The appearance of the dog is new and Dutch tilts her head as she gets closer before walking closer to John and greeting him with a wave and a nod of her head.

"Someone's got a new friend," she says, smiling down at Bear. "He looks familiar too."

John looks down at Bear and then rubs the dog's ears thoughtfully. It's an opening, probably the best one he'll get and he's never spent so much time considering how to say something to someone, but for some reason he feels like this has to be done right. Like he's saying goodbye to Finch all over again every time he tells someone what's happening.

"He's Harold's," he says. "Well... ours, but he stayed with Harold."

Because after Root had taken him, after everything she had put him through, Finch had always felt better with Bear around. He'd felt protected and even if he would never admit it, John had known that was something he needed and so Bear lived with Finch.

"Not anymore."

"Not anymore." Dutch's voice goes lower and her expression changes from one of trepidation to sadness. She knows what that means. She experienced it when Matthew had gone, a loss that still stings though not as much as it once did. Time, she guesses, does help but she doubts it will ever truly make her forget him. She can only hope that wherever he is, he's happy and that maybe he thinks about her every so often.

"He's gone?" It's a question but not really one she needs answered, not with how John looks and sounds. "When?"

It had to have been recent unless John was taking it hard and had been holing up. She hasn't heard anything from any other members of the team which could mean John has told them not to tell or she's one of the first to know.

"Four days ago," he says. "I thought there was a chance something had happened to him, given the sorts of people he goes after, but he's not here. I looked."

And when John is looking for something, eventually someone gives him what he wants. It doesn't matter that he's part of the Darrow PD, not in a moment like this, and for three days he had been very happy to return to being the man in the suit. There are men all over Darrow with injuries he'd left behind, using knives and guns and whatever else was at his disposal until someone told him the truth.

But the truth hadn't led him to Finch. It had only led him to a sad, lonely dog, an empty apartment and a cell phone that's no longer in service.

"I told Karen," he says. "No one else knows."

"I'm sorry," she says quietly, sincerely. "I know how it feels to -- to have someone just disappear. It's a really fucking helpless feeling. You don't even get to say goodbye and it's awful."

While she doesn't know much about the relationship between John and Harold, she knows they were close. That would be evident immediately so she can sympathize with how gutted and upset John has to be feeling now.

"I won't tell anyone else," Dutch promises, closing her eyes and breathing out slowly. "How are you doing?"

He hadn't expected that. Any of it. The commiseration, the promise not to tell anyone, to be asked how he's doing. For so long he'd been with people like Kara, people who don't care, who have shut down their feelings, their ability to empathize with others and it isn't fair to the people he's met since then, but somehow he still expects to find himself there, with someone like her.

But Dutch is nothing like Kara.

"Thank you," he says first and then nothing else for a long moment. "I don't know how I'm doing. I feel like I ought to tell people, but I don't even know who he might have been close to. Harold was... he was very private. Even with me. If he had friends here, I don't know any of them outside of our team."

The team is something else he isn't sure what to do with. John isn't a leader, he doesn't know how to take control of something like this and he doesn't want to. That was Finch's role, he was the one to tell everyone what to do and that's how John prefers it.

"You don't have to tell anyone if you'd rather not," Dutch says quietly, sighing and crossing her arms, still digesting the news. "When Matthew disappeared, I didn't really tell many people. Matthias did but I was too -- I didn't know how or who he liked which, in hindsight, makes me sound pretty shitty."

She'd cared about Matthew deeply (and she still did) but she wasn't really aware of his circle of friends, who he liked and who he spent time with outside herself and Matthias. It's a regret that she's going to carry around for awhile.

"You're probably in shock, though," she murmurs, peering at him closely. "You're aware of what's happened and you're trying to make a plan, piece this together bit by bit but it's not working so you're at loose ends. That's how I was."

A part of him still feels like he ought to be able to find Finch's friends and break the news to them, but he knows he won't. Somehow, with Dutch's permission, it seems a little easier to let that bit of this go, one less thing he has to be responsible for. He still knows he needs to tell Peggy, but beyond her, maybe he doesn't have to worry about anyone else.

He nods at her assessment, because it's more or less exactly how he feels and he knows in another life, he would have been bothered that someone could peg him so easily, but he isn't. It's different here and it's different with Dutch. If she was the sort of partner he'd had in the CIA rather than Kara, he knows his life would have been a very different experience.

"I don't know what to do about the team," he says. "I'm not a leader. All of that only ever existed because of Harold." But he isn't prepared to let it go either.

"Well, do you want it to keep existing?" Dutch asks, thoughtful. "You don't have to be a leader. If you don't want it to go away, perhaps we can...spread responsibility around. Take stock of who's good at what and put them in charge of those specific areas. So, it'll be a more collaborative effort."

She doesn't know if it'll work. The people on the team are strong and stubborn and she knows that can sometimes make for clashes. But, she also knows they're all talented and they want to help which is why she has hope that it would be okay, that everyone would be work together cohesively.

"I don't mean to put everything on your shoulders and no one else wants to do that either," she promises, "but if you don't want it to continue, it should be your call."

What she's saying makes sense and John nods along, but it's true a part of him still feels distant. From all of it. Were this a year ago, he knows where he would be right now, he knows he'd have found a bar or a liquor store and he'd be halfway to quietly drunk already. He'd never made a scene, he'd never caused problems, not unless someone came at him aggressively, he was a nice, quiet drunk and a big part of him wants to be that same nice, quiet drunk right now.

Because eventually it would lead him to where he'd been headed all those years ago.

He can't do that, though. Not now, not here. Darrow is different, it's changed his life and he has to make the right decisions now.

"Maybe," he agrees. "We should get together as a group and talk about it. I'd like to see what everyone would want to do. It's good to know where you stand, though, it's good to know... well, that maybe we can keep things going."

"Either way, I doubt anyone's going to hate you if you decide you can't do it," Dutch assures him quietly, thinking of reaching out, of giving his arm a stroke but she keeps her hands to herself for the moment. Sometimes, she knows that touch can be unwelcome, almost a burn in the aftermath of a trauma like he's experiencing.

"Here's my advice to you: give it a few weeks before you do anything," Dutch tells him, nodding. "There's no need to rush this sort of thing. We're all okay waiting till you're ready. Spend time with Karen. Don't let yourself be alone, John. It doesn't help anything in the aftermath of something like this."

She'd tried it herself. In the past and when Matthew had gone. It had just ripped her open and let her aching. "Call me if you want to shoot some guns. I'm always up for that."

It's good to have advice. After Jessica, there had been no one for John to turn to, his parents dead, the CIA having just tried to kill him, his contacts all under the impression he'd been wiped out. He had been, for the first time in his life, utterly alone. After Carter he'd tried to act as if he was alone, as if no one else had lost her and that had been a mistake. It would be a mistake here, too.

He nods, then lets out a sigh and rubs his hand over his face before he smiles over at her.

"I'm always a fan of shooting things," he says. Finch had indulged that, he'd bought weapons for John no man in his position could possibly need and while that had stopped once they'd come to Darrow, his money no longer available to him, John will never forget that.

"My mission was always to protect him," he says suddenly. "That's what the Machine gave to me. Protect Harold above all else." And now he can't.

"Lucky for you, I've got a gun or two you've probably never seen," Dutch says, grinning a bit. "The guns I come from don't use things like bullets and gunpowder. Not that there's anything wrong with those but I've got some things you should see."

It's a small comfort, a temporary distraction but it's something she can do to help. It's something she can do that doesn't require touching and hugs and sympathetic words that she's not really good with.

"You haven't failed him because he's gone," Dutch tells him quietly. "Wherever he is, he's not thinking of what you have and haven't done. Maybe you can't protect him but you can protect others until you get back home."

It still feels a little like he's failed Finch, like he isn't following through with the things he had promised to do. Finch will never know that and even if he did, John knows he would never blame him, but somewhere the Machine knows. It's a strange thing, feeling an obligation to a computer program, but John knows the Machine is more than just a series of number, he knows the Machine loves Finch in as far as it can understand love. Together they had been the team meant to protect him.

But she's right. He can protect others and for that he thinks he needs the rest of the team. Dutch has recommended he wait a little while before making any decisions and he still intends to, but that statement resonates with him and he thinks it's helped to make his decision already.

He nods, then smiles faintly and says, "Tell me more about these guns."

"Oh, a subject that I am more than happy to talk at length about," Dutch says, rubbing her hands together. She's almost sad that she doesn't have a gun on her to show him, only the knives that go with her almost everywhere.

"My favorite sidearm's a Vektor CP1 which might be familiar to you but it doesn't shoot regular ammunition. It's been modified, both ammo wise and casing wise, to be a little more sleek and a lot more dangerous looking. It's an energy weapon. To put it simply, lasers."

Energy could be a confusing word since it came in many form but Dutch has figured that almost everyone knows what lasers are.

It is something he's familiar with, but she starts talking about lasers and he knows that's not going to fix what's happened, he knows no matter what, he's going to feel the loss of Finch from Darrow, but he can't pretend as if the weapons Dutch is talking about aren't interesting to him. And it will distract him, too, which is the sort of thing that he knows will be helpful now.

It'll keep him from slipping away. From drinking like he used to.

"That sounds like science fiction," he says, then laughs a little. "Which is what someone from my world would have said about my life if they knew the truth about the Machine."

"If it helps, there are still people that use guns that are loaded with bullets and gunpowder. Johnny's got a few and D'av likes rifles that use that sort of ammo but I've always like the stuff that doesn't jam easily. The upkeep is a little more expensive than other types of firearms but my gun's never failed me and I don't think I could permanently give her up. Add guns to my arsenal?"

Dutch nods firmly. "I would absolutely do that without any hesitation but sometimes you just find a weapon that you like, that you're comfortable with and even if new things come out, you tend to fall back on that because you know it's going to get you through."

Even more than her guns, Dutch has knives that she's kept for years. Knives that Khylen had given to her as gifts for her killing her assigned targets. She'd thought of throwing them out but she kept them not because she was proud of what she'd done but with the hope that maybe one day she could use those knives to kill Khylen.

John understands what she means when she talks about her gun, because he has weapons that he favours over others, not necessarily because they work perfectly, but because they often feel like an extension of his body. There's not a firearm in his world that he's unable to use, not a single one he's not familiar with, but some are simply better than others. Some give him the connection he wants and others don't.

"And you have that here?" he asks. "You'll have to show me sometime. That's something I'd really like to see."

They'll have to shoot at targets, the both of them. Not because he thinks one of them is necessarily better than the other, but he knows Dutch would like the gentle competition as much as he would.

"Yeah, it's one of the few weapons from home I had on me when all this shit went down," Dutch says, gesturing around to the city and the fact that she's here now, away from the Quad, Westerley, and Old Town. She's glad she's even got what she has but she wishes for more.

"I've got a few knives that I had on me when I was dropped here too but nothing else weapon wise from home," Dutch says with a sigh. "It's really too bad. There were some pretty cool weapons that we got to use as RAC agents. Would have liked to have some of the rifles and grenades but maybe I'll get a nice delivery at some point in the future."

Nicer than the damn box she'd been given a few weeks ago. She kept that, stowed it away in a closet, but it doesn't stop her from knowing it's there.

It's a good distraction, talking about weapons, but at the same time John can't help but think about Finch. It hadn't been his friend who had given him the training or helped him come to love the weapons -- that had been Kara and he's long ago separated that from her -- but it had been Finch who'd supplied him with so many. John doesn't feel like he'd ever used Finch, who had given his money freely in an attempt to save everyone he could, but he knows he wouldn't have had such access without him.

Dutch is doing this to help him. She knows he doesn't want her to hold his hand or take him for tea, she knows what he needs and he appreciates it.

"You're a good friend," he says suddenly. "Someone I... someone important told me once I don't let people in and that it was my choice to keep people at a distance, so I don't say things like that often enough, but you are. Thank you."

If she's taken aback by the sudden statement, Dutch doesn't show it much. She smiles at him and finally reaches over to rest a very light, very brief hand on his upper arm. She gives him a squeeze before pulling back and nodding.

"The feeling's mutual," Dutch tells him quietly. He's never asked about her past, never prodded or pushed. He's patient and quiet but he's there, a stoic, solid presence that she knows she can rely on. In a lot of ways, he reminds her of Johnny though Johnny would never be as observant and low key as John is. But, they are both loyal and strong, both protective and just genuinely good.

Dutch doesn't deserve either of their friendships but she's a selfish, greedy woman so she's going to take their companionship anyway.

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