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John should have gotten in touch with Dutch sooner and he knows it, but looking for Finch had taken priority and then, once he'd finally accepted the reality of what had happened, taking some time to get control of himself had seemed more important. No one needs to deal with him when he's falling apart. Things aren't pretty when John Reese is falling apart.

He's not drinking, though, which is a step in the right direction. If not for Karen, he suspects he would be. He would have gone straight to Dutch, asked her to look after Bear for a little while, and then done his best to disappear into Darrow like he'd disappeared into New York. Eventually she might have come looking for him, but by that point he would have been dead. Drinking himself to death wasn't the fastest way to go about doing it, but he knows better ways now. Ways that would ensure it ended easily.

Finch would have hated that. He would have hated even the thought and so John reminds himself his life is different now. Finch gave him that life, gave him something to fight for and gave him a purpose. To squander that now would be an offence to their friendship and so he pulls himself together with Karen's help and then goes to meet with Dutch.

Bear won't leave his side, but John doesn't try to make him. He's taken a week off work, no one at the precinct has complained because they've all lost people, they've all found themselves suddenly wondering where their friends have gone, and if John needs time off, they'll give it to him. He looks better than he had when he'd finally gone to Karen, he's wearing clean clothes and he's shaved, but there's still something haunted in his eyes.

He was never supposed to do any of this without Finch.

They all live in the same building, but he asks Dutch to meet him at the park all the same. He's been there a lot lately, spending time watching the men and women play chess, thinking Finch should have been there with them. Bear whines softly by his side and John turns away, wandering down the path toward the place where he had asked Dutch to meet him.

It's easier for him to talk here. Samaritan may not be in Darrow, but old habits die hard and a crowd makes it more difficult for someone to listen in on what they're saying. And there's plenty for him to say.

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"Lucky for you, I've got a gun or two you've probably never seen," Dutch says, grinning a bit. "The guns I come from don't use things like bullets and gunpowder. Not that there's anything wrong with those but I've got some things you should see."

It's a small comfort, a temporary distraction but it's something she can do to help. It's something she can do that doesn't require touching and hugs and sympathetic words that she's not really good with.

"You haven't failed him because he's gone," Dutch tells him quietly. "Wherever he is, he's not thinking of what you have and haven't done. Maybe you can't protect him but you can protect others until you get back home."

It still feels a little like he's failed Finch, like he isn't following through with the things he had promised to do. Finch will never know that and even if he did, John knows he would never blame him, but somewhere the Machine knows. It's a strange thing, feeling an obligation to a computer program, but John knows the Machine is more than just a series of number, he knows the Machine loves Finch in as far as it can understand love. Together they had been the team meant to protect him.

But she's right. He can protect others and for that he thinks he needs the rest of the team. Dutch has recommended he wait a little while before making any decisions and he still intends to, but that statement resonates with him and he thinks it's helped to make his decision already.

He nods, then smiles faintly and says, "Tell me more about these guns."

"Oh, a subject that I am more than happy to talk at length about," Dutch says, rubbing her hands together. She's almost sad that she doesn't have a gun on her to show him, only the knives that go with her almost everywhere.

"My favorite sidearm's a Vektor CP1 which might be familiar to you but it doesn't shoot regular ammunition. It's been modified, both ammo wise and casing wise, to be a little more sleek and a lot more dangerous looking. It's an energy weapon. To put it simply, lasers."

Energy could be a confusing word since it came in many form but Dutch has figured that almost everyone knows what lasers are.

It is something he's familiar with, but she starts talking about lasers and he knows that's not going to fix what's happened, he knows no matter what, he's going to feel the loss of Finch from Darrow, but he can't pretend as if the weapons Dutch is talking about aren't interesting to him. And it will distract him, too, which is the sort of thing that he knows will be helpful now.

It'll keep him from slipping away. From drinking like he used to.

"That sounds like science fiction," he says, then laughs a little. "Which is what someone from my world would have said about my life if they knew the truth about the Machine."

"If it helps, there are still people that use guns that are loaded with bullets and gunpowder. Johnny's got a few and D'av likes rifles that use that sort of ammo but I've always like the stuff that doesn't jam easily. The upkeep is a little more expensive than other types of firearms but my gun's never failed me and I don't think I could permanently give her up. Add guns to my arsenal?"

Dutch nods firmly. "I would absolutely do that without any hesitation but sometimes you just find a weapon that you like, that you're comfortable with and even if new things come out, you tend to fall back on that because you know it's going to get you through."

Even more than her guns, Dutch has knives that she's kept for years. Knives that Khylen had given to her as gifts for her killing her assigned targets. She'd thought of throwing them out but she kept them not because she was proud of what she'd done but with the hope that maybe one day she could use those knives to kill Khylen.

John understands what she means when she talks about her gun, because he has weapons that he favours over others, not necessarily because they work perfectly, but because they often feel like an extension of his body. There's not a firearm in his world that he's unable to use, not a single one he's not familiar with, but some are simply better than others. Some give him the connection he wants and others don't.

"And you have that here?" he asks. "You'll have to show me sometime. That's something I'd really like to see."

They'll have to shoot at targets, the both of them. Not because he thinks one of them is necessarily better than the other, but he knows Dutch would like the gentle competition as much as he would.

"Yeah, it's one of the few weapons from home I had on me when all this shit went down," Dutch says, gesturing around to the city and the fact that she's here now, away from the Quad, Westerley, and Old Town. She's glad she's even got what she has but she wishes for more.

"I've got a few knives that I had on me when I was dropped here too but nothing else weapon wise from home," Dutch says with a sigh. "It's really too bad. There were some pretty cool weapons that we got to use as RAC agents. Would have liked to have some of the rifles and grenades but maybe I'll get a nice delivery at some point in the future."

Nicer than the damn box she'd been given a few weeks ago. She kept that, stowed it away in a closet, but it doesn't stop her from knowing it's there.

It's a good distraction, talking about weapons, but at the same time John can't help but think about Finch. It hadn't been his friend who had given him the training or helped him come to love the weapons -- that had been Kara and he's long ago separated that from her -- but it had been Finch who'd supplied him with so many. John doesn't feel like he'd ever used Finch, who had given his money freely in an attempt to save everyone he could, but he knows he wouldn't have had such access without him.

Dutch is doing this to help him. She knows he doesn't want her to hold his hand or take him for tea, she knows what he needs and he appreciates it.

"You're a good friend," he says suddenly. "Someone I... someone important told me once I don't let people in and that it was my choice to keep people at a distance, so I don't say things like that often enough, but you are. Thank you."

If she's taken aback by the sudden statement, Dutch doesn't show it much. She smiles at him and finally reaches over to rest a very light, very brief hand on his upper arm. She gives him a squeeze before pulling back and nodding.

"The feeling's mutual," Dutch tells him quietly. He's never asked about her past, never prodded or pushed. He's patient and quiet but he's there, a stoic, solid presence that she knows she can rely on. In a lot of ways, he reminds her of Johnny though Johnny would never be as observant and low key as John is. But, they are both loyal and strong, both protective and just genuinely good.

Dutch doesn't deserve either of their friendships but she's a selfish, greedy woman so she's going to take their companionship anyway.